Musings From A Young Vegan Woman On A Cow Ranch

March 18th 2012

I'm on a "road trip" per say.

Jay and I drove here to Moline, Kansas from Buffalo, New York.

We left on Monday, March 5th at 10:00pm and arrived here on Wednesday at 4:00am. That is a thirty-hour journey. We plan to leave on Tuesday to head for Georgia.

Continual photo updates, maps showing our progress, and so on, is in this facebook photo album here.

It is nice being out in the country and breathing in fresh air. Last week I was able to sun-bathe four days out of the week. I purposely did this with my arms covered but my mid-drift and legs bare. I know I'll be getting plenty of sun on my arms later on.



I've been doing a little more yoga than usual which is wonderful. I was fortunate enough to be able to drop into a Zumba class in Wichita as my Aunt-in-law has a Y membership and they have all kinds of awesome classes there. I hope to take more Zumba classes in the future. I worked up a full body sweat in the hour and smiled almost the entire time. The teacher was very entertaining and fun.

My husband's father's parents own the ranch we're staying at. (Yes, yes, I know. I'm a vegan and I'm currently staying on a ranch... No use making a fuss about that. Hearts only change for the better through love.) My husband's father's brother lives here as well, and the two sons of my husband's father's sister visit here often. It isn't a bustling place but it also isn't quite the hermit life that one could imagine in such an unpopulated area.

My grandfather-in-law has over a thousand cows. It is calving season and he says hundreds of calves are born each year and he sells hundreds of grown cows each year. They don't use growth hormone, artificial feeding methods or anything of the sort. They do use antibiotics, but only if a cow is very sick. I have not asked how many acres there are, but with so many cows sometimes not a single cow can be seen from the house and the house is on a bit of a hill. That alone says something about the size of the land. Also, it is a five minute drive to get off the dirt road onto a paved one.

The nearest grocer is a twenty minute drive away. There isn't much at the store that I consider food. It does have produce, but the selection is all conventional and most everything is rotting or green and hard. But, all things considered, the selection is a bit larger than one might expect for the middle of no-where. We've been eating steamed asparagus, broccoli, cabbage and onions from the market to supplement the food we brought with us. We're still not out of the apples, bananas and citrus we brought from Buffalo and purchased at Whole Foods in St. Louis driving in. We also were able to pick up a bunch of great organic items at Green Acres Market in Wichita.

My grandma-in-law doesn't have a blender. We only brought our juicers and food processor. It never occurred to us that anybody might not own a blender. We've attempted smoothies in the food processor, but they come out more like a thin ice-cream. Still good, but not quite a smoothie. The design of the food processor just isn't meant for that much fluid.

Birds can be heard almost all the time here, which is nifty. As I write this now I can look to my right out the window and see the plains and from behind me out the screen door is the sound of birds chirping.

We've done a little cleaning for Grandma. Just sweeping, vacuuming, dishes and organizing the fridge. Mostly that is just cleaning up after ourselves, so perhaps it doesn't count.

The other day I went hiking with my husband and his cousin. His cousin shot a small animal he referred to as a "coon." It was the first animal I'd ever seen killed before my eyes. I had a bit of a panic attack. I didn't want to face anybody or anything. I turned on my heal and stalked off into the wooded area around the creek. I had already been feeling a bit annoyed at myself at struggling so much with the rocky brush-covered terrain. I grew up in a city and I'm used to walking on side-walks.

Trying to keep up over uncertain terrain brought up a lot of emotions of being inadequate that I struggled with a lot in my childhood. Always the last in the race, always the last picked for the team, always being yelled at for being too slow, too weak and so on. I wanted to participate but felt that participating would only lead to pain and rejection, and time and time again that is all it ever led to. There were times where I couldn't keep up and was simply ditched by my peers, left lost in the middle of parts of the city I was entirely unfamiliar with.

All those emotions started bubbling in me. I would not be left behind. I would not be slowing to the men. I would participate and keep up. But just as though my nerves needed more burning my cousin-in-law struck up a conversation about horror movies and movies with lots of blood and guts in them. There are few topics I'd rather talk about less.

I am a very chill person though. I don't say, "Oh, let's not talk about this," or "Oh, I need to slow down." I mostly take everything in stride and do what I need to do differently. I don't like to be the complainer. I didn't want to set myself apart. I wanted to feel like I was just as capable and unruffled.

The problem was that I was getting ruffled and had no easy way out. At an event in the city within a building or in a courtyard I can just walk away. I don't need to interrupt anybody or inconvenience anybody to simply remove myself from the situation. If I dislike a topic I can wander off and go talk to someone else about something else.

I was in the wild however and could do no such thing. I wasn't even aware which way was back towards the house.

To make this all truly unbearable my shoes were entirely unsuited to the hike and I was actually sliding in my shoes each time we stepped on ground that wasn't level. And guess what? None of it was level.

And thus, about the time my cousin shot the "coon" I was already brain-numbed from conversations about bloodied movies, and experiencing a lot of pain in my ankles and going through the emotional turmoil of not being able to leave and feeling inadequate and resonating to previous unpleasant experiences.

I couldn't handle it. My mind just shut down and the last thing I wanted was to confront anybody. I became terrified of having to speak to someone and sprinted off into the middle of nowhere. I didn't think about all the cows on the land, or the possibility of running into a coyote. Of course, my sprint left my ankles hurting worse.

I went wildly around trees, over gullies, up and down hill sides and found myself somewhere... Where I could not see the house, could not tell where I had come from. I crouched down (when I felt I had put enough distance between me and them) and almost began to cry. Then I stopped myself and began to meditate instead.

I worked through everything I was feeling until I felt calm. That was a tricky bit of work. I began to feel vulnerable. The thought of the little creature's death kept making me think how unfair and wrong it all is. They kill the predators to protect the cows and then other small wild life gets out of control from lack of predators and then they kill them too. They have to take down trees to make enough space for the cows. So much destruction in the name of raising beef for the American public.

And what am I?

I thought about my shoes, and how mentally exhausted I was and about my glasses. With my hurting ankles and emotionally sore mind I was vulnerable. If I were naked and without glasses like the animals on the land I would be pathetic. I had no idea where I was. I am not fit for survival out there. I am completely dependent on this "unfair" and "wrong" society. How can I judge something that created me and that I rely on for survival?

And who am I to judge?

What gives me the right to say "this is wrong" in any form?

At least these cows seem well taken care of from all I can see. And my grandparents-in-law are very kind people. They help out other families in the town in many, many ways. They help when someone's house burns down, or when someone's child is lost or hurt. They are very generous and kind people. They do not fit the stereotype that vegans often paint of "meat eaters" as though everyone who eats meat somehow is a cruel person.

All of that flashed through my mind and more as I squatted in the brush, catching my breath and my sanity.

Once I became calm I said to myself, "I need to know how to get back." Using my brain I got to the top of the nearest hill. I couldn't see anything past the brush in any direction.

I thought again, this time using my emotions and spirit (not my mind), "I need to get back."

A bird swooped down in front of me, catching my attention, and then landed on a tree off to my left. I walked directly in that direction and sure enough, that was the *exact* direction of the house.

Where I had wandered off to was about a mile and a half distant from the house with a creek and a lot of hills and shrubs between me and the house.

Facing my cousin-in-law and my husband was tough. They had been worried about me. I can't even express how embarrassed I felt.

In other adventures we've caught a number of scorpions and put them outside. They aren't very dangerous in comparison to the brown recluse spiders we've been squashing.

And in food news: I've discovered that aloe plants and turmeric roots are amazing. I've recently posted a recipe using turmeric roots on my food blog and the photos on that recipe's page were taken here in the yard just a few days ago.

Namaste

~ Raederle

Send Fear Into Exile

"Women who are too muscular are not feminine."  That was a statement I heard several times as a child. I was also given the false believe that being moderately active would make me muscular and would prevent me from growing voluminous breasts. These arbitrary beliefs were just straws on the back of the camel that was my health, that broke fully at the age of sixteen.

I was fearful of not being feminine enough, beautiful enough, good enough to have a loving husband when I grew up.

"Don't suck your thumb because it'll make your teeth grow in crooked and then you'll never find a good husband." That was the statement that made me finally stop sucking my thumb. I stopped out of the fear of never having the love of a man when I grew up.

"I will be very rich when I grow up," I said several times between the ages of eight and eleven. If you asked me why I would be very rich, my answer would change depending on my mood. Sometimes the reason was because 'I would never let myself be poor.' I had the same logic about being fat, and said, 'I wouldn't let myself get fat.' As if I could somehow will things to be other than they were. Sometimes I reasoned that I would be rich because I would marry a rich man. Sometimes it was because I would have a very good job as a mathematician or some other scholarly profession.

What strikes me about this in retrospect was that some part of me wouldn't even contemplate that I might be anything other than fiscally rich at the age of nine. What was I so afraid of not having due to lack of money? Who gave me the idea that money meant happiness?

Or did I think that money would give me authority?

I resented being a child because of my lack of authority. I was denied the ability to make my own decisions too frequently to feel safe. Being denied the ability to make a decision once in a month is too much for me. I balked at anything resembling usual child-slavery. If I was told to do something there had to be a reason. I would not simply obey.

If you made me do something out of fear then I would resent you, and that is perfectly just. Why shouldn't a four year old or a ten year old resent someone who is forcing them to do something in fear? Why should anyone, at any age, ever be made to go against their ethics, beliefs, emotions or comfort zone because someone is making them afraid of doing otherwise?

If you have a strong desire to paint, but your mother is a musician and insists you ought to sing... That is all well and good if she sings to you with love, and brings you to music classes with love, and you come because you love your mother and are curious about music. It is entirely different if she says she will spank you, take away your toys, ground you, or prevent you from seeing your friends if you paint, or if you refuse to sing.

Let's say someone is dirty, and they feel that washing is wrong. They are unpleasant to be around because they smell bad and make you nervous. Nobody should say, "You have to spend time around this person or else I will reject you." And nobody should say to that dirty person, "If you do not clean yourself I will throw you into the river." Instead, that person could learn that most people will not choose their company if they are dirty, but that it won't be hard to find love from others if they are clean. If the dirty person must be removed physically from a situation because they are causing health concerns for others, then that is just, but that is different because in that case it is affecting the health of other individuals.

If you are strongly against something, such as abortion, you should not be made to help another person have an abortion under the fear of losing your job. If you are strongly pro-choice, you should not be made to keep a child you do not want to keep out of the fear that society will reject you.

Yet as children we're told that we're not old enough to make decisions, and that we do not have the right to choices. 

We are given candies that give us cravings for more sweets, but then made to eat soggy steamed vegetables that now taste bitter by comparison. Instead of saying, "Here, take this sweet and be happy [or else]" and then following that with, "Here, you must eat this or else you'll be stunted in your growth," we can encourage children to make the right choices. We can say, "If you love your body as much as I love mine then you must want to eat this healthy food that will nourish you. If you choose to eat something that is bad for you I won't stop you, but it's not a very kind thing to do to your wonderful body."

The way in which we're raised is domestication, allowing us to be ready for the daily nine-to-five job where we'll slave away doing things we dislike, don't believe in and may even be violently against if we were given enough free will to think about it.

We may cling to the idea that we have free will, but do we?

Is it free will you have to go to that job to make that paycheck to get enough money to get by? Are there really other options if you don't get enough time off work to seek another job?

Well, of course there are, but it is very hard and very unpleasant to break out of a box that is so small and so uncomfortable that you can not even turn about within it. It is difficult to garner strength in this crouched position that causes more cramps the longer you're in it. After a while you're in too much pain to want to consider what your real condition is. You'd rather drink (or smoke, or eat and eat and eat) and be numb and through self-destruction find a little mental peace away from the awareness of the small box you're closed within.

Everything we believe is a chain that keeps us in a pattern. If I strongly believe that I absolutely must eat a certain way to be healthy, then I am trapped. If I educate myself about food choices and learn many different possibilities and stick with one particular method only because through personal experience I feel empowered, then I have retained my free will.

As soon as something becomes "the only way" you become trapped. If "the only way" to survive is to keep your day job then you're stuck a slave to your boss. He can abuse you, curse at you, disrespect you and humiliate you and you may put up with it because "it is the only way" to survive.

It doesn't magically become easy to change just because you understand that you must change to be healthier and happier.

"Only when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing do we change."

And this is so very true. I didn't become a raw vegan because everything was all happy-go-lucky in my life. I began making dietary changes because my choices were thus: change or suffer horrifically each day unto death.

However, I am not as dogmatic as many vegans or raw vegans I've met. These values I hold are "the only way" to create peace, prosperity and health on this planet. They are great powerful aids that I am joyful to share with others, but they are not the only way.

Now, back to why I wanted to be rich so that I could have authority...  If I had authority I believed then that I would have more free will. If there were not people with more power than myself then I would have full command of my actions. I would never have to go against myself. I would never have to run a race when my body felt like it was falling apart (...thank you so very much you egotistical crass gym teachers...), and I would never have to sing with a dry, itching, swollen throat (...thank you so very much you very disobliging vocal teachers...), and I would never be scolded for being too slow when running or too raspy when singing because I'd never be made to do things so very inappropriate for my condition!

Now, of course, as a child I didn't think to myself, "I want to be rich, so that I may have authority, so that I will not have to fear anybody anymore." Of course I didn't. I just thought, "If I were rich I could have lots of dolls, a big house, rich friends and anything I wanted would come easily."

Most of us do not realize why we want something until much later, if ever. I didn't realize until recently why I always wanted to be able to be fully honest in my relationships (including feeling inclinations towards being with other men, or having fantasies, or disliking my partner's friends). I now understand that this desire for full honesty was because I wanted to be able to give and receive full respect for who I am. I didn't want to have to be an image of myself, always pretending to be a certain way in order to be loved. That isn't love at all. That is being fake and being rewarded with small deposits of kindness in exchange for being fake.

What is a relationship worth if you can't be yourself in that relationship? If you're not even you in the relationship, is there a relationship? And if there is, what is it made of if your half of the relationship isn't even real? And what if their half isn't the real them either? Then you're playing some sort of game where you both make an image and see if they can play nice together. You might as well play Sims online if that is what you'd like to do. Get into role playing if you can't be you and stop pretending that your image is you when it is not.

That is what it means to live a lie. Every time you do something that is against what you really want to do or say, then you are being an image for the sake of someone else, and you are lying to that person and to yourself. And when you do it for the sake of that other person, are you doing them any favor? If you tell someone your favorite color is blue when really you dislike blue and your entire house is filled with red and black, but you tell them this because they like blue, have you done something good for your relationship? Perhaps it may seem so at first, but it isn't good when they buy you a blue shirt for your birthday and then are so generous that they knit your a blue scarf for another holiday.

And now you're trapped. If you tell them, "I lied and said I liked blue to please you," now you will be exposed for a fake and the trust in your relationship will be diminished. You will be embarrassed because they were so kind as to make you a scarf with their time and effort and you don't even want to wear it because it doesn't match any of your favorite clothing.

You didn't really lie to please them. What pleases someone is being around loving joyful people. You lied because you were afraid of not being accepted.

And what about that trust? Can you trust someone more than you feel they ought to trust you? If you feel that you have been disloyal and dishonest it is easy to believe that they are lying to you. So now everything they say becomes suspect. They say they create comic books in their spare time, but are they just saying that to impress me?

And as soon as you say to someone, "I'm not sure about my friend, I think she may be making things up just to impress me..." now you've revealed yourself. You doubt your own friends, and perhaps they ought to doubt you in return? 

I am not saying that just one instance of doubting somebody automatically shows that you are not a trust-worthy person, but I have found that people who lie often have trouble believing that others do not lie often. 

Of course, those who eat cooked food every day have trouble wrapping their mind around my diet, and that I do not generally cook food. The first time I ever met a vegan I didn't understand or comprehend what it meant not to eat animals or anything that came from them. 

Back when I could hardly walk a quarter mile I found it impossible to believe that I could ever be athletic, and people who were athletic were as alien to me as green marsh-men that live in pineapples at the bottom of the ocean.

Perhaps it is always hard to bend our minds to something different from our own experience. All the more reason to be honest, so that we can relay upon someone's words to convey to us a set of experiences different from our own.

With my husband, I can be fully honest. I can say anything at all that occurs to me and he never loves me less, or becomes jealous. And the reverse is true. He can confide in me about his doubts, and come to me in his moments of weakness. While I might say, "I don't think that is very prudent of you," there is still love and warmth in my voice. I do not remove human compassion and affection from our relationship because he is hurting or mistaken. Instead of judging each other we kindly prod each other to think about the real causes for our actions.

How often do most people think about the root cause of something?

Not too long ago someone told me, "When my stomach hurts I eat a particular food to settle it and then it feels better."

I began to speculate and try to conclude why that was. When I began to tell this person why that might be the case, they said, "Let's not dwell on it. I'll just eat that particular food when I don't feel well and leave it at all."

I was honestly quiet aghast. How could they not want to know the reason why? This is their own body, and they didn't want to figure out why their choice affected it?

If the stove burns your hand, don't you wish to understand that the stove is hot and how to know if something is too hot? You don't simply live in fear of the stove and never go near it. You seek to understand and control your actions and their outcomes so that they may be desirable.

If you do not question "why?" then you will not be empowered with the knowledge of why something happens. And without that empowerment you will not be able to change what happens.

Without understanding why you are poor, you can not stop being poor.

Without understanding why you are sick, you can not stop being sick.

If someone had been able to explain all of my various conditions to me when I was sixteen and given me the knowledge of what was wrong with me I would have had a lot less years of research to do before I could have cured myself. I had to start with, "What is wrong with me? Why is this happening?"

You can not start with the question, "How can I be rich?" You must first ask, "Why am I poor?" And then it may be wisest to progress to, "Why do I want to be rich?" If you can answer these two questions, "Why am I poor?" and "Why do I want to be rich?" then you will be able to find fiscal wealth, or discover the real wealth which you crave.

I crave the wealth of free will.

I can not have free will if I am not empowered with knowledge. Only when I can say, "This choice will make me happy," and "This choice would make me unhappy," can I make the right choice.

Sometimes there is no way to find out without taking a risk and finding out the hard way. This is why the biggest risk in life is to avoid all risks. You must find answers somehow, and one of the most effective ways to find answers is to take risks.

Now, I'm not saying you should jump off a bridge to learn about gravity, broken bones and possibly death. That would obviously be folly.

However, some things can not be so easily learned from others' mistakes. You can not learn, for example, if you like to sing if you never sing. You can not learn if you like to draw if you never draw. Nobody can show you what is in your heart except you. Someone else might be an aid, but ultimately, your experience of life comes from your own actions and perceptions.

Up until recently my actions and perceptions were very much a product of fear. This is true for most people that we encounter in the world today. We exercise from fear of fat. We don't exercise from fear of not being feminine. We exercise too much from fear of being called lazy. We restrict our singing voices for fear of sounding bad. We don't plant a garden for fear that it will not thrive under our care. We avoid relationships because we fear rejection. We avoid personal conversations because we fear discovering the fear in our own hearts.

How absurd we can be!

Wouldn't it make more sense to exercise because you love to swim, dance, or run? Wouldn't it make more sense to eat well because we love ourselves? Wouldn't it make more sense to sing because we love singing or to not sing because it does not interest us? Wouldn't it make more sense to try having a garden and put our love into it and continue or not based on the amount of love that poured out of us as a result of planting a garden?

Isn't it better to be yourself and be rejected for being yourself than it is to create an image and have that false non-existent person loved? You can not receive somebody's full love if they are loving an image that is not who you are. You can not respect that person and love that person in kind because they love something that is not you and for that you may feel guilt, anger, contempt or disgust and these emotions will be a poison to your relationship.

When we're afraid of making the wrong choice, then we are doomed to make the wrong choices. If you are constantly restricting your child because you're afraid they'll end up just as messed up as you are, then you're making them just as messed up as you are. If you are constantly restricting yourself because you're afraid of rejection, then you are rejecting yourself and thereby are already suffering worse rejection than can be offered to you from other people.

I have a poem about this topic, and it is as follows:

Send Fear Into Exile

I am angry with you,
Because I'm afraid that you're right.
I am angry with you,
Because I'm afraid that you'll leave.
I am angry with you,
Because I'm afraid of myself.

I am feeling sad today,
Because I am afraid of tomorrow.
I am feeling sad today,
Because I am afraid of yesterday.
I am feeling sad today,
Because I'm afraid to fade away.

You are making me jealous,
Because I'm afraid you love her more than me.
You are making me jealous,
Because I'm afraid that she's prettier to see.
You are making me jealous,
Because I'm afraid that you'll set me free.

I have been struck sick,
Because I'm afraid about finances,
I have been struck sick,
Because I'm afraid of losing friends,
I have been struck sick,
Because I'm afraid.

You have forgiven me,
and I feel love.
You have given me truth,
and I feel love.
You have smiled with me,
and I feel love.

I accepted your forgiveness.
I have forgiven myself.
I accepted your truth.
I have found truth within myself.
I accepted your smile.
Now I smile for myself.

You showed me love,
and I freed myself from fear.
I am not afraid.
I live love.

~ Raederle Phoenix
January 2012

Notice that it was I who set myself free from fear. Someone else can empower you with knowledge and lend you their love, but you must ultimately love yourself and banish fear yourself.

If you want authority, you must ask, "Why am I powerless?"

If you want love, you must ask, "Why do I feel unloved?"

If you want to be accepted you must accept yourself.

If you want to be loved and respected you must love and respect yourself.

If you want change in your life you must not balk when things fall apart, but instead you must build yourself a strong foundation with the bricks raining down upon you.

If you want to be happy you must stop living in fear. Fear is the root of most problems. It is the stem to the anger which causes us to reap a harvest of bitterness and regret. Fear is the root to the tree that bears fruit of jealousy, betrayal and anxiety.

Yet if we sow the field that is our life with love... We find that the fruit is sweet with kindness, the seeds are rich with compassion, the branches are strong with honesty, the trunk is fortified with virtues and the sun that smiles on us is warm and pleasant with love in return. Because we love we are patient when we choose what nutrients to suck up from the land that our roots are planted in. Because we are patient and not afraid of being too slow we choose carefully and correctly. Because we love we are not afraid that we have wasted our time because we know our branches have sheltered many with compassion, and that our fruit has blessed many people with joy.

In love there is no need to fear death. When you live love there are always people who will care about you and want you to smile as you make them smile. These people will be there for you in life and in death. And why fear leaving a life well loved and lived? You will die with a smile on your face knowing you have left the world a happier more loving place than when you entered it.

In love there is no need to fear anything at all. Strong love and strong fear can not exist in the same person simultaneously. You are either living love or living fear. And no action made in love can be regretted.

This truth is the basis for The Law of Attraction, which simplifies emotions into "good" and "bad." I dislike an aspect of this view, which is that to call something good or bad is to judge it. We need not be judgemental. We must choose for ourselves what we like and dislike. In other words, we should discern, not judge. The difference? To judge is to find someone or something guilty. To discern is to discover the causes behind the actions. Love brings joy, and we may choose to call this good. Fear brings misery, and we may choose to call this bad.

If you wallow in fear, you reap misery.

If you bask in love, you reap joy.

This is why I strive to send fear into exile.

~ Raederle Phoenix

Sources of inspiration: The Secret (documentary), Eyes of Horus and Lord of the Horizon (a fantastic duet series taking place in ancient Eygpt with the heart of the book being about sending fear into exile) by Joan Grant, The Art of Happiness (a practical guide to finding happiness) by Howard Cutler and the Dalai Lama, The Mastery of Love (a Toltec wisdom book) by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Continuum Concept (a book that shows us why we are the way we are and how to raise our children to live without fear), Sugar Blues (a book that shows us how to love our bodies by how to avoid some serious poisons present in today's food supply) by William D, and Many Lifetimes (a book that shows us how to stop being afraid of death) by Joan Grant.

Free Me From Fear

I am angry with you,
Because I'm afraid that you're right.
I am angry with you,
Because I'm afraid that you'll leave.
I am angry with you,
Because I'm afraid of myself.

I am feeling sad today,
Because I am afraid of tomorrow.
I am feeling sad today,
Because I am afraid of yesterday.
I am feeling sad today,
Because I'm afraid to fade away.

You are making me jealous,
Because I'm afraid you love her more than me.
You are making me jealous,
Because I'm afraid that she's prettier to see.
You are making me jealous,
Because I'm afraid that you'll set me free.

I have been struck sick,
Because I'm afraid about finances,
I have been struck sick,
Because I'm afraid of losing friends,
I have been struck sick,
Because I'm afraid.

You have forgiven me,
and I feel love.
You have given me truth,
and I feel love.
You have smiled with me,
and I feel love.

I accepted your forgiveness.
I have forgiven myself.
I accepted your truth.
I have found truth within myself.
I accepted your smile.
Now I smile for myself.

You showed me love,
and I freed myself from fear.
I am not afraid.
I live love.

~ Raederle Phoenix
January 2012

Inspired by the book "The Mastery of Love"

Break Your Life Into Pieces: Uncover Happiness & Banish Fear

"Your life has to crumble to pieces. It has to fall apart. Everything you are familiar with has to shatter... In order to make room for your new life. You can't have a new, inspiring life where you get what you want, accomplish your goals and have fantastic relationships... unless everything you currently have falls to pieces first." ~ Raederle

Them: Tell me it does not always have to be like that.

Me: It doesn't necessarily have to shatter all at once. Aspects of your life can break one at a time, and new wonderful things can enter you life one at a time. However, the more free and open your life is, the more open you are for possibility.

Everything falling apart is quite beautiful, if you have the right perspective. As long as you remember that you're making room for new and beautiful things, it actually is quite soothing to feel the familiar falling away.

It's been something I've been learning about these past few years -- which has been full of upheaval for me.

But each upheaval in my life has been a great door to improvements.
And I've recently read some great books that talk about the subject.

Them: Hmm. Upheavals. Like what? You seem to be living the great life fantastic. It is a sharp contrast to your old self.

Me: Well, there was moving to Cali where I took a plane and only took the possessions I could fit in a suitcase.

There was moving back here, which was full of diasaters, errors and difficulty.

There was the radical changes to my diet, and experimenting with fasting. The emotional stress of cravings, and the social stigmas of being set apart.

There has been a separating of me and old habits, old friends, and so forth.

Breaking traditions, including holiday traditions done in my family for several generations.

Throwing away or giving away all my polyester clothing, which included almost every dress I own.

Them: Okay, so lifestyle and culture. When I think of things 'falling apart' I think about personal tragedies.

Me: Well, there was the biggest upheaval in my life, which led to the greatest gift in my life...

When my ex and I broke up. That made room for the most wonderful husband I could ever imagine.

That break-up involved theft, breaking-and-entering, physical and verbal abuse... It was awful, and my entire life seemed ruined.

While that break-up was one of the worst things that ever happened to me, finding my husband was definitely the best thing that ever happened to me.

Them: That's a great point. Yet it does not always work that way. For most of us, bad times just follow bad times. They don't create new opportunities.

Me: Sometimes tragedy breaks people emotionally because they never forgive themselves or what they feel victim to.

In order to find success, people must find their inner truth, forgive themselves and everyone else, love themselves, and find beauty in the world. When these steps are complete, everything is easy. I'm still on a journey to loving, seeing beauty and forgiveness, but the closer I come, the better life gets.

It's explained brilliantly in The 'Mastery of Love' and also in 'The Art of Happiness', which are based on Toltec and Buddhism respectively.

Also, 'The Continuum Concept' can help anyone understand their own issues a lot better, and move forward.

The documentary 'The Secret' helps explain how to get what you want in life, which I recommend watching after reading the three books I just named.

Between those four sources, there is a life full of happiness and success to be discovered. And none of those are about food -- and food can change everything all by itself.

Speaking of food, I'm inventing a new kind of raspberry-cacao-carrot pie... Sounds crazy but the crust tastes amazing. I'm going to go make the filling now.

*hugs & happy new year*

Them: That sounds intereting. Happy new year to you too. Stay happy.

Me: Thanks!

---

You are very powerful when you are seemingly broken. Your entire world is full of possibility.

When you can no longer eat the same way, you must find something new to eat. That is what happened to me. I didn't discover raw vegan food one day and say "lets try this." I actually struggled through years of a limited diet because everything I was used to made me feel sick. That awful discovery that I could no longer eat the way I had always eaten opened me up to the powerful world of possibility.

When you have to leave an abusive relationship, and you have to struggle through it alone, and afraid... You become open to moving forward. You become available for healthy connections with other humans. It has happened to me.

When a friend "betrays" you, and that person leaves your life... You are sad, and lost, and wondering what to do with your Saturday nights when you used to go out and dance, or play games, drink together or bake cookies together... Then you become open to finding a new friend, one who is more honest, more in tune with your nature, one who can become a better influence on your life. I've been there, and I'm sure you have too.

When things are going wrong you are riding on the wheel of fortune and you are in control of where that wheel stops. Your head is whirling, and you feel pain, anger, betrayal, jealousy and hopelessness... All of these feelings are aspects of fear.

There is a cure to fear:

• Truth

You must know thy self. Knowledge comes from books. Wisdom comes from self knowledge; wisdom is knowing the truth about yourself.

• Forgiveness

Holding a grudge is like intentionally keeping the infection red hot within a wound. When you forgive, you clean the wounds and begin to heal. When you make yourself a victim, you create the trauma you experience. Forgiveness begins to heal that trauma. When you blame yourself, you hate yourself. You can not respect yourself if you hate yourself. When you don't respect yourself, nobody respects you. You must forgive yourself.

• Love

When you love yourself, you love others. When you love your body, you take good care of your body. When you love yourself, you respect yourself, and others respect you. When you love your life, great people want to be a part of your life. When you understand that the love in your heart if infinite, you do not starve for love just because one individual will not give you their love. You are wealthy with love in your heart when you love yourself. You are free to be yourself when you love yourself.

When you know the truth, and you've forgiven everyone and yourself, and you love yourself and the world... Then there is no fear. There is nothing to fear. You have truth and love in your heart, and thereby nothing is a threat to you.

Christmas Gift Bags

In gifts I gave this year, given in original bags, I placed the following note:

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas

Awesome New Year and Other Joyous Occasions

Greetings celebrant,

This quick note is about the bag your gift in is. I made gift bags this year for many reasons, which I'd like to tell you about, starting with how Christmas was for me growing up.

Yearly on Christmas day my family dug the car out of the snow at five o'clock in the morning. We made the two-hour drive out of the city to my Aunt's beautiful cottage.

My Aunt has a flair for decoration. Her house was immaculate, spotless and free of modern technology. It felt magical, out-of-time, and warm. Her living room sported an old-fashioned roaring fire place, a Christmas tree covered with hand-made bows, angels, ceramic balls, and other baubles.

My Aunt's table was set to perfection, with each piece of silverware “just so” and cloth napkins in decorative ceramic rings. Breakfast was served at exactly eleven o'clock, followed by coffee, tea, stockings, board games, lunch, presents, and then dinner. The tradition of it was wonderful.

The part I cherish most was the presentation of the presents. Each gift was a work of art. Perfect wrapping, shining cloth ribbons, hand-crafted bows, and so on. The tree would be absolutely buried in gifts, labored over through the season.

As a child, I recognized the beauty, the effort, the careful labor, the festive spirit, and the love that went into it all. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.

Carefully wrapped, unique gifts is a tradition in my family.

Yet now, I'm faced with conflicting feelings. I no longer want to purchase “cute” gifts and wrapping papers from corporations that make irresponsible decisions. I don't want trees to be cut down to support wrapping gifts. At the same time, I remember the magic of the Christmas I grew up with, and that beautiful gifts were a large part of that.

And hence, I've decided I want to sew gift bags. Curtains, sheets, shirts – anything no longer in use can be sewn into a reusable festive bag. Also, if other people decided this was a cool idea and made bags of their own and sold them, it could create jobs here in America.

And thus, I found a happy place between my family traditions and my values.

These bags may be washed and dried on the gentle cycle. I have washed them after sewing them. However, a few of them came apart, so those ones needed mending. In other words, most of the bags I've made are for wrapping more than using.

I encourage you to pass this bag on to someone else next year with a gift inside.

If it strikes you as appropriate, you can even pass this little letter on so that the recipient knows the history behind the bag.

Much love and merry holidays.

~ Raederle Phoenix, Holiday Season of 2011

One Piece of a Giant Puzzle

There are a lot more factors at work than any one evil.

We can not point all our fingers at "capitalism" and make it go away, and expect everything to be fine and dandy. No more than we can blow up the credit card companies (like in the movie/book Fight Club), or like we can just burn all the places that chop down forests (like in the documentary If A Tree Falls -- one part of the true story of the Earth Liberation Movement).

Actions of violence, and destruction and "anti-_____" movements are overall, unsuccessful. Yes, sometimes they work. But it is when people fight for something that we see true progress.

There are motives behind motives behind motives when it comes to why catastrophes happen. Nobody wakes up one day and says "let's destroy an entire culture for the fun of it." They wake up one day with some brilliant plan to gain something in order to make up for what they feel they are lacking.

Today, people are all constantly suffering from feeling that they lack something in their life, and that feeling that there "isn't enough" is a big hurdle in accomplishing anything.

Regardless of what we feel we lack, and regardless of whether that lack is real, the feeling is highly detrimental. It promotes greed and desperation. It promotes illogical actions.

As soon as we go around saying, "X" is the source of all problems, they have caused a lack in this world... Then we are fear-mongering people to our cause, and at a high cost. Creating more paranoid individuals does not create a harmonious peaceful universe.

The feeling of lack is what causes people to do drugs, to rob others, to submit to jobs they hate, to waste their lives in relationships (either romantic, or as business partners, etc) that are toxic to them, and it is why we will eat toxic fast food but then buy an expensive large TV-screen.

If we can repair the hearts, bodies and minds of our fellow human beings, we can repair the world. All things negativity will fall away when we are loving and at peace in our own hearts.

A friend of mine at the potluck picnic today was saying, "I was really surprised by how much my attitude changed when I first entered a macrobiotic diet. I didn't experience many physical changes, but my attitude went from incredibly pessimistic to very optimistic in a short period of time. There was no other change in my life, just my diet. It was disconcerting. I didn't even recognize myself with my new outlook."

This is one piece of the puzzle. Our moods, motivations and outlook our affected dramatically by our pH. How many wars have started because one person had an acidic pH level in their bloodstream?

It's similar to the amount of suicide caused by vitamin-B deficiency. Instead of taking psychotropic drugs, just take a vitamin-B multi-vitamin complex. Watch your anxiety and depression just melt away. This is also effective treatment for schizophrenics in most cases.

If we fight for health, happiness, unity, clarity, sustainability, truth, accuracy, compassion, equality, and love... Then all the things we've been fighting against will fall away without resistance.